Politics: Sexiling

To sexile:

To banish a roomate from the room/dorm/apartment for the purpose of engaging in intimate relations with one's significant other/sex partner.

Sexiling is a usual custom of dorm life, but only if you share your room with another. Hence our lovely Forbes Hall with a plethora of doubles rooms must get its fair share of "sexiling", no? If you haven't been in such a situation, pray you never feel the heightened anxiety of leaving your room for such acts of fornication. Most roommates often concede their rooms this time and that for good show of manners, but there surely are times when the cold hard floor of the hall, the scruffiness of the lounge couches, or awkwardly inquiring to use another's bed on your floor is just not okay.

After the long weekend, I am sure some of you experienced such a disaster, no? Please, Forbsians, tell me your anguish, your shame, your anger; vent to me, spill to me, share with me; share with others your tortures for surely others shall relate.

UPDATE FROM LAST POST:
I would like to clear the air of my supposed bias on "roomiecest". I am not discouraging the acts of fornication in our lovely hall, I am merely advising you of the possible consequences as an outcome of inter-floor, inter-dorm sexual interaction. I am not biased at all towards any homosexual acts because I may be "straight", I am an ambiguous being that hears all, sees all, and is all.

Through my email system I have learned a certain couple on the Fifth Floor has decided to go by the name "Jimison"... a strange coupling technique that leaves me baffled, but, by whatever means, make yourselves comfortable here at Forbes. While your true names are unknown, your compound name will live on, plastered on the pages of The Forbes Informer.

An attempted floorcest is just as intriguing as a full -cestual endeavor. One reader emailed:

"AB, who lives a few doors down from me, came back really drunk last night, and went right back to his room. I saw him walk in, and I followed him towards his room, worried that he might have had a few too many. When I looked at the door, and asked him if he was okay, he said "Dude, you are making me so hot right now." I freaked the fuck out, and slammed the door, almost hitting him in the face. He's a bit bigger than me, so I just got really scared and overreacted. He didn't open up his door during the next half-hour I was in my room. It was humiliating, but sort of funny I guess."

Quite a tale from our anonymous reader, and yes, "sort of funny".

Another email I have recently received described some interesting if rather specific events that have occurred. In fact, the email blatantly named one of the RSA members. I do not condone this kind of calling-out. The Forbes Informer regards anonymity in its highest. However, this piece of Forbes gossip is too intriguing to disregard, therefore I will preserve anonymity and share with you all aforesaid account:

"i've heard a crazy story on the [?] floor that a certain RSA [officer] who is supposedly "straight" kissed a flamboyant and fiesty midg. maybe once. maybe twice. maybe full on make-out."

We all, more or less, voted on the RSA elections for our favorite candidates and I wonder if this certain member ran on promises of sexual promiscuity (cross gender lines?).

Also through my email system I have received quite a comic anecdote of one resident residing on an anonymous floor:

"Dear Sir or Madam:

I wish to make a complaint about the noise that emanates from the room with which I share a wall in the [?] floor of Forbes Hall. Whilst I am in my serene quarters, studying diligently for an upcoming test or exam, I am frequently disturbed by the raucous lovemaking going on next door. The frequent bumps against my wall coupled with the frenetic heavy breathing and cries of “Yes! Yes! Only 1 more lap!” make it extremely difficult for a studious student like myself to concentrate on mentally taxing work. When one cannot concentrate in his own room, it is a sad day for the fine dormitory facility of Forbes Hall at large. The tall one is by far the most irritating, but the stoned one is not much more less annoying. These two individuals, who I shall not name, have greatly decreased my standard of living with their love for each other. It is nearly impossible to even do rudimentary mental math in betwixt cries of “I understand! It is all clear! Yes, Aristotle, yes!” and “Win this one, Phelps!” interspersed with screams of what can only be euphoria of the flesh.

I sincerely hope some action is taken against these disruptive and sinful individuals, or else I shall be forced to seduce one of them for myself.

Sincerely Yours,
A Concerned Resident"

While this particular account leaves me with a strong sense of doubt for its legitimacy, I still couldn't stop myself from proffering quite a giggle. Please, Forbesians, keep the stories, tales, theories, myths coming. I would love for them to be surely legitimate, but I can only examine and tell what I have read. And, as Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

xoxo

The Forbes Informer

Touchy Subjects: Dormcest, Floorcest, and Roomie-cest

Hello again, fellow Forbesians.

How are classes going? Longing for the weekend already? Oh, wait, that's right. This is not Tower B. And we take pride in that, even if (other than the few parties that everyone on campus is invited to -- Freshman Convocation, for instance) our weekends consist of Saturday night voyages to the Hillman. Some of our more scurrilous students take a post-bed-time (9 p.m.) tour of Hogwarts, sometimes known as the Cathedral. Complete with a Sorting hat, wand, and invisibility cloak.

Let's be serious, though. Forbes can party like no other. My first paragraph simply illustrates a common stereotype that we here at Forbes combat daily. Trust me, comrades, this is not the first generalization you will battle in your lifetime. Today I'd like to talk about a couple other vague generalizations that are touted by college students everywhere; but do any of you really know what they're talking about? With the help of Merriam-Webster Online, I've comprised a list of these common collegiate concepts. Not only will I explain to you what they mean, I may also give you some more specific details...straight from Forbes daily life.

"1. dormcest

Sex between two (or more) people living in the same dorm.

Common among freshman, who excited by their newfound freedom have sex with the nearest person they can get their booze-soaked hands on. Its all well and good until October rolls around and you hate each other but still see each other everyday."

I really must commend the author of this entry. Despite some small grammatical errors which my honors-college-trained-eyes could not pass over unnoticed (i.e., Its), the truth in this description is well-founded.

Dormcest is probably one of the most common mistakes every freshman makes. Yes, many of you emailed me telling me about innocent flirtation between floor members but really, this news did not impress. Busybodies (and I mean that as the highest compliment) from the 3rd, 5th, and 6th floors emailed me about specific incidents of dormcest that have occured thus far. The 5th floor has most certainly been getting busy, but 3rd is not far behind. This is only the second month, people! You realize you will see your sloppy drunken hook-up every single day, and at every single mandatory floor event. Your entire floor will find out, and it will probably get back to your R.A. (although Kelvin may or may not be enticed to hear of sexual activities in the dorm -- more on this in another post).

"2. floorcest

Sexual activity with those on your residence floor in a college dorm. Often leads to an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend living on your floor that you may or may not run into when you want to least (i.e., drunk at 3am sick on the way to the bathroom)."

I'm not even going to advise you on the matter of floorcest.

Let me just say this: if you care to venture down the path of floorcest, and for that matter, dormcest and roomie-cest, beware of the aforesaid consequences.

3. roomie-cest

Although "roomcest" is defined as "Arrangement in which a couple shares a dorm room" this definition is almost impossible at most colleges in your freshman year. Therefore, it's not applicable to our situation. I have just cleverly coined the term "roomie-cest." You're probably wondering why you should care, but just wait...

... as always, I received a curious email in which the sender admitted that there were two hookups on his floor. Nothing special really, except that he went on to say that a certain "friend" of his had some form of relations with not just one girl, but two. Two roommates, that is. The sender did not specify a floor number, but this man needs a medal.

He needs a medal, yes, and I need information. I have to commend you, Forbes, you have been willing informants. I have much subject matter; be sure to return to this page weekly. Even daily. Sometimes hourly.

But, I need more. I won't share your name with anyone; I appreciate anonymity. Forbes Hall is full of dirty laundry that needs airing.

Break out of your stereotype. Be brave.

xoxo

The Forbes Informer

Introducing you to the best year of your life....

Hello, Forbes Hall, and welcome to a life-changing year: your first year of college.

How are you children doing? Is it difficult, living far away from Mommy and Daddy? Doing your own laundry? Casually putting on the freshman fifteen? Wiping your own ass? How is that going for you?

Where I sit, from my lofty --and anonymous-- perch in Forbes Hall, life is looking pretty easy. Here's the deal: I inform you of our precious hall's happenings, from the 3rd to the 6th floor (not to mention all those make-out sessions on the patio). But I can't do it alone, Forbes, that I cannot do.

You must, I repeat, must hold up your side of the bargain. Which bargain?, you may ask. Oh, you simpleton. The moment you ventured into this publication's treacherous waters, you agreed to inform me. This does not put you on my level. I am the Almighty; the Eye of Sauron; I see all. You are simply my tool. Tell me your local gossip; who is hooking up with whom in the 3rd floor lounge? Who came home drunk and passed out on the pool table? Who cheated in the cake decorating contest? Who got an underage on the 4th floor?

My email is forbeshallinformer@yahoo.com

You, yes, you: email me it all -- any piece of information you find intriguing, any bite of gossip that could potentially be useful to me. Obviously I will be doing research. I will find out the truth behind the words; I will dig deeper; I will confirm your story with my sources; I will bring it all together.

Then, and only then, the beautiful end result will be achieved. The full story, using initials if any specific parties are involved, will be revealed on this very page for all of Forbes to examine.

And examine it you will. Do not be surprised to find your own story on this page in the very near future. Or your friends' stories Or your RA's story.

Everything is secret, but nothing is too scandalous for me.

xoxo

The Forbes Informer