How are you children doing? Is it difficult, living far away from Mommy and Daddy? Doing your own laundry? Casually putting on the freshman fifteen? Wiping your own ass? How is that going for you?
Where I sit, from my lofty --and anonymous-- perch in Forbes Hall, life is looking pretty easy. Here's the deal: I inform you of our precious hall's happenings, from the 3rd to the 6th floor (not to mention all those make-out sessions on the patio). But I can't do it alone, Forbes, that I cannot do.
You must, I repeat, must hold up your side of the bargain. Which bargain?, you may ask. Oh, you simpleton. The moment you ventured into this publication's treacherous waters, you agreed to inform me. This does not put you on my level. I am the Almighty; the Eye of Sauron; I see all. You are simply my tool. Tell me your local gossip; who is hooking up with whom in the 3rd floor lounge? Who came home drunk and passed out on the pool table? Who cheated in the cake decorating contest? Who got an underage on the 4th floor?
My email is forbeshallinformer@yahoo.com
You, yes, you: email me it all -- any piece of information you find intriguing, any bite of gossip that could potentially be useful to me. Obviously I will be doing research. I will find out the truth behind the words; I will dig deeper; I will confirm your story with my sources; I will bring it all together.
Then, and only then, the beautiful end result will be achieved. The full story, using initials if any specific parties are involved, will be revealed on this very page for all of Forbes to examine.
And examine it you will. Do not be surprised to find your own story on this page in the very near future. Or your friends' stories Or your RA's story.
Everything is secret, but nothing is too scandalous for me.
xoxo
The Forbes Informer
smokestack = new name for SO, because she constantly smokes
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